John Mayer is a douchebag

But the eulogy he wrote for Paul Newman was pretty cool. Re-posted below, without the author’s permission. Because, after all, he is a douchebag.

I’m not sure when or where it started, but I used to play this game with my friends where we’d try and figure out who the “heaviest” legend was in terms of having the clout to bump another superstar from a reservation at a packed restaurant on a Saturday night. It starts to get fun when you work your way up to bickering about whether Robert De Niro bumps Bob Dylan, or Springsteen bumps Bono, but the game quickly runs out of steam when you realize that nobody can top Paul Newman. You can sort of picture Bill Clinton standing at the front of Nobu waiting for a table to pay their check, smiling and whispering “Paul NEWMAN is here!”

Nobody will ever be that cool again.

Could our judiciary be more out of touch?

Judge David Harvey (a.k.a. King Canute) has ruled that the men accused of murdering teenager John Hapeta can be named in newspapers, radio and tv, but not online.

Their names are Nathan Williams and Daniel Tumat. Sue me. (Thanks Harry, I stand corrected) Go on, send me to the big house. I hear it’s nicer in there anyways.

My Name Is Bruce

Well, not my name. Dave was nearly called Bruce (thus his middle name), but I’m not referring to him either. For those of you who have no taste in movies at all and/or have been living in a bunker deep in the woods with no news of outside world, Bruce Campbell is the greatest actor of our generation. My generation, your generation, their generation… you get the idea.

Probably the only B-grade actor ever to make the A-list (and definitely the coolest), the only reason his legions of fans haven’t hunted down and killed the Academy voters who continue to deny his rightful recognition is that Bruce is waaaaaaaaay too cool to give a shit about Hollywood. Screw Hollywood. Screw the Oscars. The greatest honour an actor can receive is to be Bruce Campbell.

As you can tell, I have something of a man-crush on the guy, but that’s ok – Man Law: Man-crushes are totally gay, unless they involve Bruce Campbell*.

Anyhoo, I hadn’t been by Bruce’s blog for some time, and checked in this evening to see what the greatest actor of our generation has been up to. Well here it is. My Name is Bruce – 100% honest-to-goodness B-grade extravaganza. Awesome.

This is gonna be bigger than Elvis! Well, Bubba Ho-Tep maybe. Stay tuned – will post a review when my download completes the DVD arrives.

*An example of ‘The Bruce Campbell Rule’ in effect. Universally accepted among people who know what the fuck they’re talking about, The Bruce Campbell Rule simply states “Except for Bruce Campbell”, and can be applied to counter any rule or convention that would otherwise inhibit the actual or perceived greatness of Bruce Campbell.

Where do people find the time?

Nobody who works in television has the right to ask that question.

– Clay Shirky

I’ve mentioned before that one of the common responses I get when encouraging people to give blogging a try is that they don’t feel they have anything worth writing about. Although I honestly believe that, no matter how mundane our lives and musings might appear, we all have somebody out there who’d be interested to read about them, I can accept that some people just aren’t in touch with their inner writer and will either figure it out one day or they won’t. Good luck to ‘em, I say.

Others claim that the only stuff they’d care to write about is so deeply personal that they couldn’t bear to share it so openly. Fair enough – I’ve used that excuse myself at times when personal circumstances have caused me to temporarily abandon my blog. The way I see it, if you’re trying to choose between sharing deeply personal thoughts you’d really rather keep to yourself and writing about stuff that’s really not important to you just so you can post something (something that isn’t deeply personal thoughts you’d rather keep to yourself), posting nothing is an acceptable third option. I’m waaaaaaaaaaaay too young to cut my ear off just so you’ve got something to read during your morning coffee.

Then there are the deluded, self-important assholes who smugly claim that they simply don’t have the time to blog and can’t understand how I manage. It’s hard to ignore the implicit accusation that the time I spend tinkering with my various online projects (blogs I maintain, communities I belong to, wikis I contribute to etc) is somehow wasted, a sink into which I pour my otherwise productive time.

I found the clip below about a month ago, showing author Clay Shirky speaking at a web 2.0 conference earlier in the year. It’s an insightful and well-delivered perspective on where this shift to online is taking us, starting with the wry observation that if gin was the critical technology of the industrial revolution (numbing the upheaval of transitioning to an industrial society), the critical technology of the post-war years must have been the sitcom.

Shirky makes a brilliant point in that we – individually and as a society – have a massive ‘cognitive surplus’ that we just don’t have a use for (if we did, there wouldn’t be a surplus). Throughout history this had never been a problem, because we used to spend all our time hunting mammoths, tending fields, and slogging it out in Mr Bumble’s work house. The dawn of the 40-hour week may have freed us from servitude in many respects, but it also created a problem we’d never faced before – what to do with all that spare time? For decades, television has been the sponge that soaked up all this latent time and energy, but now we’re finding new and better things to do with our time. Many of these new pastimes – such as playing elf warrior in Warcraft, or trading pictures of kittens with amusing facial expressions – might not be considered productive in the traditional sense, but it’s something, and watching television is nothing. And as the man says, it’s better to do something than nothing.

The numbers are astonishing. The estimated 100 million man-hours that have gone into Wikipedia to date may seem like a hell of a lot, but bear in mind that the Internet-connected population watches a TRILLION hours of television per year – enough to build 10,000 Wikipedias. That’s one hell of an asset, if we could only figure out how to use it – imagine the possibilities!

No, seriously, please imagine the possibilities. How do I find the time to create things online? How can you not?

Click here to watch part 2. If you’d rather just read about it, Shirky’s written account of the talk can be found here.

Because she could

For well over a year now a good friend of mine, Simonnne, has been blogging about her and her husband’s efforts to overcome infertility and start a family. I’ve mentioned her blog in a few posts, linked to it from my Blogroll (see bottom of right-hand column) and recommended it to more than a few people I know.

Candid, sometimes gritty and more often than not at least mildly amusing, Simonne’s blog is everything a great blog should be and proof that you don’t have to be Robert Scoble (nice redesign, hey?) to build a substantial and loyal following.

Anyhoo, today Simonne published the post we’d been hoping for all along. Even though I already knew what it was going to say (I don’t get all my news online folks) I was mesmerised when I read the words. It was like watching the final episode in a long-running TV series where you finally find out who the villain is, the hero proves his innocence, the castaways leave the island (yeah right!), and that annoying ‘will they or won’t they‘ couple finally do it – you’re watching it unfold on screen but can’t quite believe your eyes ‘cos it’s just too damn big a deal to really be happening, right?

But there is was…

First and foremost, congrats to Simonne and Al. You’re going to be fantastic parents and I’m going to be a fantastic uncle/godfather-type guy. Driving lessons, man-to-man talks, cigars, poker and beer pong a specialty. But I don’t do shitty nappies. Don’t even ask. I mean seriously – we’re good friends and all, but you gotta draw the line somewhere. And I did. No shitty nappies.

I’m having a hard time expressing it clearly, but I have this strange sensation of having been a part of something huge, simply by being a regular reader of Simonne’s blog. By reading her thoughts and the reactions of her online friends I was part of something that only happened and existed online – something so much more than words on a screen and at the same time almost totally unrelated to events in the real world. It was (is) kinda surreal.

When I finally figure it out properly I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I have no doubt Simonne will continue to eat cake for breakfast (because she can) and am looking forward to future tales of shopping, pregnancy, shopping, motherhood, shopping and … you get the picture.

Q: Do you think infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

On Blogging…

I’ve had this idea floating around for some time but haven’t quite been able to articulate it. So here’s a feeble first attempt – bear with me and I’ll hope you get my point. Any and all comments / suggestions etc appreciated…

I’ve been posting to this blog pretty regularly for quite some time, and those of you who have been reading for a while will have noticed some substantial variations in content matter. I’d like to think that some of my posts are pretty insightful and well written. I’ve had a lot of positive feedback and recognition this past year – both in links and comments, as well as a surprisingly high readership.

Other posts, for example last year’s ranting about Grampa Joe and the Cat in the Hat, could be regarded as off colour at best. Given that I’m currently looking for work (as you can tell, I get bored quickly and the consequences can be dire), it has occurred to me that I may not be doing myself any favours by tainting the ‘good’ posts with what others (potential employers, clients, business partners, whatever…) may find disturbing.

So why post them? The fact of the matter is, I feel that to post anything based on what I feel ‘people’ (whoever they might be) want to read as opposed to what I have to say would be dishonest. It’d also be a hell of a lot harder to manage (keeping track of who my readers are and what they’re interested in before I even begin to write anything). I also firmly believe it would be the end of what up to this point has become a pretty sizeable and loyal following.

In your traditional publishing environment (TV, newspapers, radio, magazines, and most ‘web 1.0′ sites), you start with your audience and work backwards. E.g. ‘We want to appeal to 18 to 35 year-old men, so this is the kind of content we’ll create/source and this is the style in which we’ll deliver it’. What you are effectively doing is constructing a persona for the publication based around a pre-conceived notion of what viewers / readers / listeners will identify with, and then attempting to provide content in a style consistent with that persona.

Blogging – or rather, good blogging – is a different animal. To put it simply, this is all about me. I didn’t need to create a persona for this blog, because I already had one (mine). I didn’t need to decide on a theme or style either, because I just write about the things that interest me in the style that comes naturally. And here’s the rub – you’ll either like what I write or you won’t, but if you do, you’ll be back. Why?

Let’s take an analogy from the world of dating…

Bill is looking to hook up with the girl of his dreams. He’s set his heart on landing a 19 year-old fashion model. Bill does some research and figures out that models tend to like rich, muscle-bound party boys, so he starts hitting the gym and throwing a lot of money around at the hottest clubs in town.

Bob is also looking to get loved-up. He doesn’t have anyone in mind, other than that she needs to love him for who he is. So he puts himself out there and makes an effort to get to know people, but takes pains to ensure people get to know the real him.

Aftert a while, Bill and Bob have both met people. Who do you think has the stronger relationship? My guess is Bob. She may not be the girl he had in mind (she couldn’t be, as he started out with no such preconceptions), but she loves him for who he is, rather than for his efforts to be who he thinks she wants him to be. Bill has based his relationship on two critical assumptions – he thinks he knows what the object of his desire wants, and he also thinks he can be that man. Sounds like a house of cards to me.

What does this have to do with blogging? Let me answer by asking you another question: There are millions of blogs out there, so why are you reading this one? My guess is that if this isn’t your first time here, it has more to do with how well you relate to me than anything I’ve written. See, this blog is a nothing more than a reflection of the stuff I find interesting expressed in my own personal style. You’ll either dig it (me) or you won’t.

Perez Hilton. Rob Scoble. Om Malik. Matt Drudge (not a blogger as such, but I think he deserves mention here – will explain later). These are some of the web’s new superstars, and they sure as hell didn’t get there via market research, brand workshops, focus groups and Deputy Assistant Sub-Editors. Think about that, people.

**Afterthought**

Does this mean I was faking it back when I was working at Marker and regularly contributing to the company blog? I don’t think so. Like Eddie said, we all wear a bunch of different hats, and when I was blogging at Marker I was wearing my Marker hat (I know I’m deviating from the point de Bono was making, but the analogy still fits). Avoiding cursewords and not posting about porn (ok, bad example) and child-molesting children’s book characters was in no way dishonest, because ‘Marker Stuart’ didn’t feel the need to write about such things or in that style.

What’s the lesson here? Still trying to work that one out. The first thing that occurs to me is that a lot of people I know are reluctant to blog and I think many are simply afraid people won’t like what they have to say. The way I see it, no matter what you write some people will love it and some people will hate it. That being the case, the only sensible option is to be true to yourself and your readers by writing what comes naturally – be yourself instead of attempting to please the faceless masses. I’m sure more will occur to me over the next wee while now that I’ve got this off my chest, so stay tuned.

Thanks for dropping by.

A bunch of useless crap

Dave moved house at the weekend, and in the turmoil he found a CD containing a bunch of files he used to have posted at his original blog years ago.

I can’t claim to have created any of it (save item #1, which represents long overdue recognition for services rendered) and have credited copyright owners where known (ok, one of them). Any uncredited copyright owners are advised to read my legal disclaimer before calling in the lawyers:

“Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke” – Hunter S. Thompson

So without further ado…

1. I once bragged that in a past life I had been a poster child for student alcoholism. Did you think I was kidding?
2. Warren has been happily married to Christiane for over 6 years now, and they have a beautiful son named Alex. Things could have been a LOT different.
3. Can somebody please pass this on to Uncle Rico?
4. Sorry kids, Santa may be a little late this year
5. Ok this is really dumb, but I know a couple of people who will think it’s hilarious. Mum. Simonne.
6. Christmas is just around the corner, and if you’re like me you’re stuck for gift ideas for that special someone. How about a picture of my ass?
7. And then there’s this little gem. Surely the best comic strip Craccum ever ran (with the possible exception of Ralph the Aboeba), Anus Cat and Scroto Mouse was purile, stupid, and incredibly funny. Karl Wills is a legend. Click on the image below to enlarge. I’ll get around to posting the rest one day. If I can be bothered.

My new favourite song

I know I’ve been saying it for over a year and it hasn’t happened yet… but it’ll happen. The bubble will burst, and I for one will be laughing my ass off*.

*Sour grapes? Probably

Facebook spam: it’s all over, Rover!

Begin rant.

Yesterday I said that I wasn’t really bothered by all the stupid chain letters and virus hoaxes I’d been getting via Facebook. Truth is, I’ve received another dozen or so today and it’s really pissing me off. So much so that I’ve uninstalled Superwall and altered my contact preferences to filter this crap out.

I think the thing that infuriates me most was that some of the people passing this crap on went to varsity with me, so we’ve all been using email pretty regularly since 1995 at least. You’d think that these people would have picked up a few clues about e-etiquette by now!

If yesterday’s post doesn’t make it clear to you, here’s a rule of thumb that will always serve you well:

If you are ever encouraged to pass something on to everyone you know, don’t!

• It’s annoying for the recipient, in that anyone with more than 2 friends will have seen it before and (presuming their IQ is greater than Forrest Gump’s) immediately identified it as a hoax (if you need help with this, see Snopes.com - the source for debunking online and offline urban legends, hoaxes etc).
• It makes you look like an idiot (see above)

• What’s more, it only encourages the annoying motherfuckers who make this stuff up. They thrive on your mindless complicity – DO NOT FEED THEM!

With any new technology there are always protocols to be established so we can all get along nicey nice. Unfortunately it appears that we’re on page one (still scanning the dust jacket!) when it comes to comms within Facebook, so we’ve got some long, hard and very very irritating yards ahead of us while we sort out the ground rules. Or we won’t, ‘cos this’ll get so damn annoying that we drop out in droves.

Mr Zuckerberg? If you can tear yourself away from your misguided crusade to deny the world the pleasure of reading your Harvard application*, you might want to look into this. If Facebook has an achilles heel, this is most certainly it.

*Fencing? Math team? Tech support? Science Olympiad? What a dork!

End rant.

Big ups to the big man

Love him or hate him, you’ve gotta respect Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his personal blog*. He’s certainly not the most prolific poster, but he does appear to have at least grasped the basics:

1. If you claim it’s a personal blog, write it yourself. People can smell bullshit, and I could show you dozens of examples where it’s completely obvious all posts have come out of the PR or Comms departments.
2. Blogging is a dialogue. If you’re going to state your views you should be open to hear other people’s. I HATE blogs that don’t support comments, and don’t feel much better about those that moderate.

Are Ahmadinejad’s comments moderated? Let’s look at a few (my comments in paretheses)…

I hate you. you are retarted. that simple mentally retarted – john jacobs, USA (USA? No shit!)

You are a terrible, despicable human being. You WILL be attacked by the US or Israel and will be destroyed! – Your Gone (a.k.a. I’m Illiterate), UK

How does it feel to be the most hated person on the planet? – Martha Washington, USA (‘the planet’, in this instance, no doubt meaning the city of Incest Alabama or whatever middle-of-nowhere slum is was that this chick was born in and never left)

Um… I think it’s safe to assume they’re not being moderated. So what do you think – reckon Bush or Clark would have the stones to give blogging a try?

Don’t ever forget – open democracy begins and ends with the free expression of ideas.

*I know I’ve mentioned this before. I just dropped in today to see if he was still posting. Sporadic at best, but I’m surprised and impressed to see it’s still on his radar.