The trials and tribulations of a wannabe rodeo clown from Titahi Bay :: Stuart Parker :: NZ :: New Zealand :: www.stuartparker.com :: Stuart Gordon Parker
A mate of mine who works as an aircraft engineer at Auckland airport tells me there was a privately-owned 767-200 parked there recently, by all accounts owned by Google founders Larry Page and Sergei Brin.
A lot of people – especially in the country that practically invented tall poppy syndrome – would heap scorn on such extravagance, arguing that they could save the planet (yeah right!) and countless starving children by flying coach and giving the savings to charity. Me, I think that without such impressive displays of what can be achieved through hard work and natural ability (ingenio et labore!), your average drone would be even more useless than they are now. Yet another reason why I can’t stand lefties – to really excell people need incentives beyond forced or fake altruism. If you don’t like Sergei and Larry living the way they do, build a better search engine and reinvent the advertising industry. I’m sure you’ll find it harder to decry such opulence when it’s your own.
Anyhoo, I like Google and find many of their products to be indespensible, personally and professionally. I even took a couple of days out of the office last month to get certified as a Google Advertising Professional. I enjoyed the training, aced the exam, and even went so far as to drink the instructors under the table at the drinkies that followed (education is, after all, a lifelong commitment). As I nursed my aching head the following morning I could quite honestly tell you that Google is a company that does nothing by halves.
And then today I get this tacky piece of crap in the mail…
Yup, that’s class. One hundred percent. Think I’ll hang it in the den, next to my Master’s degree.
One thing I learned during my near-decade in the hospitality industry is the importance of coffee. It’s the last thing your guests are served before they leave your establishment, so it’d better be good if you want them to return. Trust me on this – great coffee after a lousy meal can win back a disappointed customer, and the opposite is also true.
Rather than reminding me of what I achieved and the great experience I had with the trainers, this tacky piece of home-made laminated crap just makes me cringe. Am I being melodramatic? Possibly. Am I overreacting? I think not, and here’s why.
I was personally invited to attend the Google training. I received personal emails from our account manager confirming my place and reminding me of dates and locations. I was greeted and called on by name during the training, and entertained afterward as though by friends. My experience with Google was very much a personal, enjoyable one – hardly what you would expect from one of the world’s largest tech companies. And then they remind me that I’m just a number, one of countless thousands they engage with on a similar level every single day.
I don’t want to appear ungrateful. The training cost me nothing and was very rewarding. I still have the utmost respect for Google, and admire the Googlers I’ve had dealings with. I just couldn’t let this slide. If anyone from Google reads this, I’d like to suggest you either get the certificates done properly or do away with them altogether. This half-assed stuff really is beneath you. To everyone else, let this be a reminder…
No matter what industry you’re working in, never underestimate the importance of serving great coffee
Pour money into establishing a pretty cool campaign (buy beer and get cheap flights to Oz), using digital and media agencies who are too stupid to insert the destination URL into the banner, and too lazy to test in the live environment (click the banner to see what I mean).
The great triennial lolly scramble is now under way, with the dyke PM once again pinning her hopes on the student vote, this time offering a universal student allowance. She’ll be kicking herself if it works (else I’m sure there are plenty of taxpayers who would happily do it for her), ‘cos the estimated $210 million annual cost (yeah, right!) is a hell of a lot cheaper than the billions in student loan interest write-offs she used to buy the last election.
Great to see the good old Electoral Finance Act earning its keep, hey? The Radio Network is facing prosecution for comments made by two MP’s acting as guest-hosts, and Dominion Breweries has been cautioned over a Tui billboard. Yep, gotta keep that shit in check or the whole democratic process goes out the window. But a blatant $250 million bribe? Nothing wrong with that, mate – par for the course!*
I don’t know what’s more depressing – that we have a PM who deplores freedom of speech and displays open contempt for the electorate, or that a substantial partof the voting public (but hopefully not a majority) is prepared to overlook all this in exchange for a well-timed bribe. Come on, people! Wouldn’t it be nicer just to have a thriving economy? Where we’ve all got well-paying jobs? And we don’t get taxed though the ass to pay for ‘jobs for the boys’, a carbon credit trading program that won’t do a thing to halt global warming**, and an unsustainable welfare system that has condemned generations to dependency on the state?
* I possibly wouldn’t mind so much if it wasn’t my money in play. If you turned up at your favorite restaurant and couldn’t get a table ‘cos someone slipped the maitre d’ a twenty, you’d be pissed off, right? Now imagine he takes that twenty out of your pocket, slips it to the maitre d’ and then takes your table. You’d be set to strangle the bastard! Well this is no different. Government coffers are full of your (our) money!
** First of all, the planet isn’t actually warming. Second, there is zero conculsive evidence to support the myth that global warming is man-made. Now there’s a good reason to cripple business with yet another layer of red tape and compliance costs!
As part of my continuing ‘cyber stalking‘ thread, a few weeks ago I sent a friend request to our soon-to-be leader of the opposition. It’s pretty obvious that she one of her aides had only created a Facebook profile to show the kids what a hip cat she is, and whoever was managing it clearly has no idea what the fuck they’re doing, ‘cos about a week later – and while I was getting a couple hundred views a day to my various anti-Labour rants (we love election years!) – I get this little surprise…
Once behind the velvet rope and into Helen’s inner sanctum (ooh err!), a few startling revelations…
Poking of the PM is encouraged! By men as well!
She is surrounded by ass kissers. Shame on you, Scott Bartlett!
And even more disturbing, I found myself sandwiched between Harry Duynhoven and Trevor Mallard. I could live a long time and never need to repeat that one, I can assure you!
Anyhoo, I laughed my ass off and left it at that, and by the looks of things so did she the aide managing her profile. No updates at all until today, when she announced the date for the general election.
I have the Facebook for BlackBerry app, and found myself reading her wall updates while on the ferry home this evening. It was disgusting – countless sycophants sniffing her throne, wanking on about what a visionary she is [sic]. One schmuck waxed lyrical about how great she was for her ‘the war wouldn’t have happened on Gore’s watch‘ comment.
Yep, even if the statement wasn’t a complete lie*, insulting the world’s most powerful man is a brilliant move for the PM of a tiny agrarian nation with dreams of a US free trade deal. She’s a goddamn vagenius !
The most recent post was from some moron agreeing with a statement the PM had apparently made today, that a change in government would lead to instability and was therefore not in the best interests of the nation**. Get your tongue out of her trousers, mate – these are the 80’s and she’s down with the ladies!
Never one to shy away from a challenge, I contributed a wall post in which I *politely* pointed out to this chap that since more than half of the electorate clearly want Helen and her cronies gone, a change of government is actually in the best interests of the country. I added that instability comes from the suppression of democracy, rather than its application in accordance with the law and the will of the people.
Not exactly the kind of stuff Helen the aide that manages Helen’s profile expects to see I suppose, and probably deserving of a stern rebuke or harsh words. Is that what happened?
Nope.
I have been removed from Helen’s friends list, and all of the posts on her wall have been deleted.
Helen Clark doesn’t believe in free speech. She doesn’t condone or participate in civilized discourse. Cross the line (i.e. fail to kiss her ass) and she’ll have one of her flunkies usher you away and then pretend you were never there.
That, friends, is all you need to know about Helen Clark. VOTE NATIONAL!
*Gore is a lying, self-serving hypocrite. The only way the war might not have happened on his watch would be that he would likely have offered a preemptive surrender. Either that or he would have been too busy inventing man-made global warming to find time for any *pesky* military stuff.
**First the Electoral Finance Act and now this? She sounds more like Robert Mugabe every day! Viva El Presidente!
Judge David Harvey (a.k.a. King Canute) has ruled that the men accused of murdering teenager John Hapeta can be named in newspapers, radio and tv, but not online.
Their names are Nathan Williams and Daniel Tumat. Sue me. (Thanks Harry, I stand corrected) Go on, send me to the big house. I hear it’s nicer in there anyways.
Shell has recently started showing this commercial here in NZ, although I gather it’s been in use internationally for over a year.
I’ve noticed a fair bit of online chatter about this, much of it generated by eco-bastards decrying the expensive promotion of oil consumption in the age of dwindling oil reserves and man-made [sic] global warming (which, by the way, we all know is bullshit but few are prepared to say so publicly because of this McCarty-ist persecution of ‘deniers’ that’s been going around).
Anyhoo, the ad rubs me the wrong way as well, but not for the reason you might think…
The oil supplies are going to run out regardless of any steps to reduce consumption. It’s not like they’re asking us to stop or reduce our consumption of whale meat or timber to allow stocks to replenish and thereby guarantee supply for future generations – they’re not making any more oil, and running out was always going to be a matter of ‘when’ and not ‘if’.
Those of you who have been reading for a while may recall a post from last year where I observed that if oil supplies are limited and the use of petroleum products is detrimental to the environment, then it would actually be in our interest to increase consumption to make the oil disappear sooner. Sure it may get smoggy for a while, but then there’d be ZERO oil-related pollution and surely that’s good for the environment, right?
I’ll grant you that it’s a pretty tongue-in-cheek assertion and that personally I’m not looking forward to the day the oil runs out, but at the same time I also think it’s a healthy perspective, in that we need to focus on the one undeniable fact that’s being clouded by all this eco-bullshit:
The oil is going to run out
All this malarky about reducing consumption implies that if we reduce our reliance on oil we’ll be ok. Well actually, we won’t. If we’re even partially reliant on oil when the wells run dry, we’re going to be totally screwed. These hippies remind me of an unemployed guy’s mother telling him to reduce his spending or he’ll burn through all his savings. He’s going to run out of money eventually, and what he really needs to do is get a job and/or move back in with his folks. In the same vein we need to either produce more oil or stop using it altogether. The former is impossible, and the latter isn’t going to happen while hippies cloud the issue with self-satisfied sermons about how much they love their hybrids, and pseudo-scientific doomsday prophesies.
So to clarify my position (God forbid I should be mistaken for one of those tree-hugging, cardigan-wearing, sprout-munching whale-humpers!): Yes, dwindling oil reserves is a problem but reducing consumption isn’t the answer. At some point we’re going to have to stop using oil altogether, and maybe running out is the only way we’ll be sufficiently motivated to develop and adopt alternative fuels. Think about it people – if the oil ran out tomorrow, we’d have affordable alternatives immediately and you know it! The opposite is also true – if we figure out how to stretch the oil reserves for another century you’d better not hold your breath for an affordable hydrogen cell, ‘cos it ain”t gonna happen.
As such – and I’m dead serious here people – you might as well smoke ‘em if you got ‘em (drive ‘em if you can afford ‘em).
While I’m on the subject, it also cracks me up how anyone with a straight face could try and convince me that a Toyota Prius is an acceptable alternative to a Porsche 911 GT3 RS. A car is just a tool for getting from A to B? That’s like saying having sex is just a process for making babies!
Anyhoo, the thing that really bugs me about the Shell ad (apart from the cacophony of hippie dissenters) is this. As a result of this ad, some pony-tailed wanker in New York probably got a nice awards ceremony to go to and a trophy for their mantlepiece; the agency got a new addition to its reel for use in new business pitches; and the client will have been taken to exotic restaurants, bars and brothels all over the world during filming. But here’s the rub – the ad may be a visual masterpiece, but did/will it help sell any more fuel? My guess is no.
When I’m contemplating a fuel purchase the only criteria I have in mind are how much it will cost (by far the most important factor); how much fuel I have left (and can I make it to a cheaper gas station before I run out); and – a VERY distant last – what other needs can I satisfy while I’m there (e.g. BP gas stations tend to have better toilets, but the food and coffee is better at Shell). Do I give a shit that Shell provides fuel to Ferrari F1? I drive a ‘91 Sierra! What, if I use Shell fuel it’s going to develop another 300 bhp, shed 400 kg and miraculously grow a PussyMagnetTM?
The ad cost $5m to make and yet addresses NONE of the factors influencing my purchasing behaviour. I’m not writing about this because I’m surprised or alarmed by the ad. I’m writing about it because I’m not. This is the same tired old bullshit ad agencies have been churning out for so long that we (clients and consumers) no longer care or expect any better. Orwell once said that “advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill pail”, but I disagree. Advertising should be the rattling of a stick inside a swill pail – at least in that instance we have a relevant and compelling message, an appropriate and cost-effective medium, and a receptive audience. What we have these days is a swill pail, an orchestra playing Sprach Zarathustra, fireworks, celebrity endorsements… you get the idea.
Interesting observation of the day:
Type the following phrases into Google, and count how many paid ads are presented along with the search results (ok, I’ll do it for you)…
Cheap Fuel NZ (1)
Cheap Petrol NZ (1)
Cheapest Petrol NZ (5)
Gas Station NZ (2)
I think it’s fair to assume that a sizable proportion of people using these search phrases has a fuel purchase in mind, yet none of the advertisers targeting fuel-related search phrases are fuel producers, brands or retailers! Why? Because their ad agencies would have them believe that we’re more receptive to their messages while we’re at home trying to watch CSI New York than when we’re actually looking for information to support a purchasing decision.
On the up-side, this makes it a hell of a lot easier for people like me to earn a living. You see, if you can show a client – using irrefutable data – that the money they pay you yields a substantial improvement in their bottom line, they will do anything to keep you on board. That’s why I’m doing quite nicely, thank you, while my former colleagues (from my brief and yet far too long foray into the advertising industry) are facing round after round of layoffs. Dude, I dodged a bullet when I got out of that game!
Ok so this doesn’t just apply to copywriting. Have a look at the ad below, form your own opinion about the product, the client and whoever created the ad, and then click on the image to see the rest of the copy.
I’d like to think this was already widely understood, but apparently not. Let me spell it out for you folks:
If you say something is ‘classy’, it isn’t. And neither are you.
I’ll leave you to digest that while I watch me some Springer. Now THAT is classy!
Yesterday I said that I wasn’t really bothered by all the stupid chain letters and virus hoaxes I’d been getting via Facebook. Truth is, I’ve received another dozen or so today and it’s really pissing me off. So much so that I’ve uninstalled Superwall and altered my contact preferences to filter this crap out.
I think the thing that infuriates me most was that some of the people passing this crap on went to varsity with me, so we’ve all been using email pretty regularly since 1995 at least. You’d think that these people would have picked up a few clues about e-etiquette by now!
If yesterday’s post doesn’t make it clear to you, here’s a rule of thumb that will always serve you well:
If you are ever encouraged to pass something on to everyone you know, don’t!
It’s annoying for the recipient, in that anyone with more than 2 friends will have seen it before and (presuming their IQ is greater than Forrest Gump’s) immediately identified it as a hoax (if you need help with this, see Snopes.com - the source for debunking online and offline urban legends, hoaxes etc).
It makes you look like an idiot (see above)
What’s more, it only encourages the annoying motherfuckers who make this stuff up. They thrive on your mindless complicity – DO NOT FEED THEM!
With any new technology there are always protocols to be established so we can all get along nicey nice. Unfortunately it appears that we’re on page one (still scanning the dust jacket!) when it comes to comms within Facebook, so we’ve got some long, hard and very very irritating yards ahead of us while we sort out the ground rules. Or we won’t, ‘cos this’ll get so damn annoying that we drop out in droves.
Mr Zuckerberg? If you can tear yourself away from your misguided crusade to deny the world the pleasure of reading your Harvard application*, you might want to look into this. If Facebook has an achilles heel, this is most certainly it.
I’ve been getting a hell of a lot of chain letters and ‘virus alerts’ via Facebook lately. I’m really not bothered by it, but it looks like a lot of my friends are getting sucked in so for what it’s worth…
There has NEVER been a genuine online appeal of the ‘for every person who forwards this email, [name of well-known rich guy/company] will donate [amount] towards little Jimmy’s cancer treatment’ kind. This should be obvious – can you really picture Bill Gates sitting at home thinking “fuck him, he only got 276 forwards, let him die of leukemia”? [*]
The most effective means of keeping safe from hackers & viruses is to regularly update your antivirus software. Use a good one like Norton’s, or AVG – which has a really good free version. If you really want to keep track of what the latest viruses are, go to Symantec.com – but God only knows why you would ‘cos that’s like my grandmother reading medical journals to see what she’d liable to come down with next. Does is really do any good? Either way, please understand that ALL ‘virus alert’ emails are fake. Most of them have been doing the rounds for years – see: http://www.symantec.com/business/security_response/threatexplorer/risks/hoaxes.jsp
As a rule, any communication that instructs you to ’send this to everyone you know’ is likely to be either malicious or inane – and either way will not be well received by the people you pass it on to. If you really want to make the world a better place, show the originators of this crap that we mean business by simply IGNORING them!
Finally, and most importantly…
The end of the year is nearly upon us and you know what that means? Yup – time to get your entries in for Dead Pool 2008. It’s simple:
Pick 10 celebs you think will kick the bucket next year.
Send them to me (the names, not the celebs themselves – with the possible exception of Salma Hayek. If you have Salma Hayek, let me know and I will break my ‘keep those crazy bastards away from me‘ rule and send you my home address). All other entries must be online, method tbc – probably email, but am thinking about building a Facebook app
When some lucky punter’s pony ’shuffles off their mortal coil’, they receive (100- the pony’s age) points.
Most points at end of 2008 wins bragging rights and title as most cynical bastard I know.
In more ways than one. For those of you who hadn’t managed to pry it out of me via email, SMS, Skype, water torture etc (damned if you aren’t a persistent bunch), it ’s true – I’m back in NZ after just six months in London. The reasons for the shift are deeply personal, but the end result is the same and I’m happy to be here. I’ve got a lot on my mind and a lot to do, but I know it was the right call to come back. Will look forward to catching up with all my NZ friends, fans and admirers over the coming weeks.
After such a long hiatus I’d like to offer more than a thanks and stay tuned, but truth be told I’m not spending a lot of time online right now. Will surely be back in the swing soon, once I’ve sorted out a few things. In the meantime, thanks to Vaughan for bringing this to my attention…
You might remember a while back I was decrying the pathetic state of flaming these days. Sure you do. Anyhoo, turns out some asshole momma’s boys (who, by the way, could only have found my pics by searching Flickr using hunting and firearms-related tags) took exception to some pics I posted earlier this year showing the miraculous transformation of deer into dinner.
We’re all entitled to our opinions on eating meat etc, and these jerks are welcome to their idiotic position that it’s evil to humanely kill and butcher a healthy animal in the wild, but perfectly fine to buy parts of one that was raised in a box and then slaughtered in sight of its family, whilst terrified and filled with the stench of blood, shit and death. Yeah. That’s much more humane, but I digress…
For God’s sake, people – if you’re going to flame someone will you please put some effort into it? I’m not offended by the flaming per se, more the lack of thought and creativity that went into it. If I’m going to break my back creating content that truely offends you, won’t you at least do me the same courtesy and come at me with a decent slew of insults? It’s depressing!
I’m seriously thinking about runnning a workshop on this – registrations and expressions of interest welcomed, via the usual channels. Now get back to work.
