Our journey through the classics continues with the following gem, which I posted to my original blog circa 2001. Don’t let the time elapsed fool you into asuming it’s bullshit. The post and original material are reproduced verbatim… If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’!
The following is an actual homework assignment submitted by a student at the Crown Institute of Studies in October 2000. I thought I’d share it with you fine folks because, well, genius shouldn’t to be kept out of sight- though I can’t say the same for the author… Our hero is a 21 year-old Indonesian male. Spelling and grammatical errors reproduced verbatim. For optimal enjoyment, read aloud while affecting an accent….
Question: Comment on some of the changes that have occurred in the New Zealand environment in the past ten years, and their impact on Marketing activities.
Response: I would like to tell you about cultural, demographic changes that have occurred in New Zealand in past 10 years. First I would like to tell you about my image about New Zealand. The first time, I saw Auckland was a beautifull country, they have a big land, beautifull seas, green grass, and nice weather. I tought I was gonna stay here forever, because I love New Zealand. When I walk out the Auckland, City of Sails Airport, I saw paradise, that I’d never find in any part of Earth, this was the best place to stay. I loved this city and I love this country.
Then, since I depart from my country to here, I start to look for things to do in Auckland, I start by walked through Queen St, then I joined 2 days tour which brought me to many awesome place such as Rotorua, paihia, etc. I was really enjoyed because there’s no such things in my country. I’ve told my mom that I was never going back to the first place. My mom was happy to hear that because she wants me to be independent [more likely she wants him far far away!]. Day by day, time passing by, then I start my new life in school, where I met many different people from different countries. It was exciting, I could make friends with many strangers even though they couldn’t speak English.
After weeks I started to look for some entertainment that could release me from busyness. I started to visit some cafes, bars, casinos, and striptease. I enjoy going to striptease bar, because I love seeing girls naked which makes me so horny, so hard, and so long. Maybe because Asian start enjoy sex in my age, so I started to make friends with Kiwi Girls. They’re lovely, good looking, and they behave. At the first time I don’t believe in one nigh stand, I knew this from some Kiwi girls. They asked me, have ever slept with a girl before. I said yes few times, they maybe we can do that tonight, but I said we’re friends you’re not even my girlfriend.
Then I after few this 2 young beautifull girls, ask me to pull them in their apartment then we did it. It was awesome three in one. I did it three times, I loved them, and I loved it, they said I could come and do it whenever their boyfriends are not there. Anyway, it was a beautiful experience I’ve ever had in New Zealand. Someday, my teacher gave me a homework about changes in New Zealand in last 10 years. She told me everything but the one thing that make me laughed was the motorway or highway, because my country has motorways for 15-20 years, but New Zealand has it for 5-10 years its quite knew for them. I though New Zealand was a big modern country. I know New Zealand its not a big country, because they have 3-4 million people live here, so this kind of thing is not to necessary for them compare to my country where I come from. I lived in Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia, do you know what’s the population, it about 15-20 million in a city, it’s five times more crowded than New Zealand in one city. For me three million people it’s three suburb, Mt Albert, Mt Eden, and Mt Roskill compare to Indonesia, but enjoy lining here anyway. I Wanted to tell you also about some changes that have occurred New Zealand but there’s not enough time to write about it.
This guy comes from a country where they execute defenceless drug traffickers, but they apparently don’t have the foresight to keep a bucket of water handy in maternity suites to take care of ‘God’s little accidents.’ What’s the world coming to?
As a truely marvelous epilogue, I hear the tard’s been expelled, and his parents have come over and dragged him back to the steaming cesspool of Jakarta. Good riddance!