Gimme head ’till I’m dead, baby!

Disturbing article today reveals that cops in the UK are soon to be equipped with “head-mounted video cameras to film incidents and arrests, the footage of which can then be used in evidence”.

This pisses me off on so many levels…

Court I can handle. I firmly believe that you can never spend too much on lawyers or accountants (just ask George Jung), and I’d welcome the opportunity to unleash my man on the British legal system. The crazy bastard makes Denny Crane look like a pussy. What I’m not so keen on is the fact that I am now almost certain to appear on some shitty late-night reality cop show. I mean – I’m in it for the fame and all, but I was hoping to make my drunken redneck tv debut on Springer. Dave – when does taping start for the year?

Also, knowing now, as we do, the after-hours proclivities of our boys in blue, I guarantee we’re about to see a flood of nasty home-made porn set in ‘surprisingly realistic’ cell-like settings. Why does this piss me off? Cos there are NO hot cops in this country. Trust me, I’ve looked – your average WPC looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Bad bad bad, no matter which way you look at it.

On the up-side, we may finally get some insight into those annoying tube incidents they always classify as a ‘passenger action’. If some prick is going to make me an hour late for a party ‘cos he waited till he was on a crowded train to discover he couldn’t handle his ale, I want to know what he looks like so I can kick him swiftly in the ‘nyuts’ (best effected with a Cartman-like voice) when I see him.

On that, events at London Bridge station this weekend had me pissing myself. I went to jump on the Northern Line, to find that (surprise surprise) it was out of action (as usual). A man and a woman were taking turns at making the announcement, and it ran along the lines of this:

Woman: There is no service on the Northern Line at present, due to a passenger action. Please make alternate arrangements using other lines.

Man: There is no service on the Northern Line at present, ‘cos there’s a bloke under a train at Borough. You’ll have to get a bus or somefink.(sic)

This immediately reminded me of the classic sketch in Airplane! where the announcers couldn’t agree on whether it was the White Zone for loading and unloading of passengers and no parking on the Red Zone, or vice versa (degenerating rapidly into an argument over an unplanned pregnancy).

Ah, screw you guys – I thought it was funny!


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