Well – a bastard anyways. Went to see some standups at a local bar last night and ended up taking a turn onstage to get some free booze.
My ‘act’ consisted of one joke. My favourite joke of all time. Stop reading now if you’re easily offended. Seriously, stop reading – this is my goddamn blog and I don’t write for the amusement of you snivelling ‘this offends me’ mommas boys. Go jerk off over Johnny Depp’s MySpace page or whatever you’re into.
Still here? Think you’re worthy? Ok here goes…
So this mouse is wandering through the jungle when it comes into a clearing and finds an elephant with its leg caught in a poacher’s snare. The mouse says ‘looks like you’re screwed, elephant. I could chew through that rope and set you free… but in return you’re going to have to let me fuck you’
The elephant is shocked but agrees, so the mouse runs up his leg, chews through the rope and says ‘ok let’s get outa here!’
They stop in a clearing about a mile away and the mouse says ‘ok elephant here I come’. So he walks down the elephant’s back, lifts up its tail, and starts running in and out of the elephant’s asshole.
About this time a monkey looks down and sees what’s going on and says to himself ‘that’s fucking disgusting’. So he picks up a rock and hurls it at them. The rock hits the elephant right in the face. The elephant screams, and the mouse says (slow pelvic thrusting motion – this is a visual gag) ‘yeah – take it all, bitch!’
Oh, and a little tip for you – If you ever go to a live comedy gig, DO NOT wear anything likely to inspire the comics (see pic). I oughta know better by now!