I’ve had this theory for quite a while, but most of the people I’ve discussed it with vehemently deny that there could be anything to it. So here it is:
The Cat in the Hat is a cautionary tale about a child molester.
Think about it. Mum and Dad go out for the evening, leaving the two kids alone in the house. As soon as the car is out of the driveway there’s a knock at the door and *surprise surprise* it’s the Cat in the Hat. From here on in we’ll call him the Pervert in the Raincoat (PitR) to help drive my point home.
Wasn’t it a hell of a coincidence that the PitR turned up just an Mum and Dad left? Was it arse! He was casing out the house – probably the whole street – waiting for the opportunity to make his move.
So he turns up at the door and blags his way in despite the kids’ protesting that he stay the hell out. And what does he do when he gets inside? Among other things he’s got a bunch of other kids (‘Things’ One, Two and Three) stuffed in his hat to toy with at will. How creepy is that? Would you let your kids hang out with some wierdo whose sole preoccupation seems to be meeting children? Unless you’re Michael Jackson I’d anticipate a resounding FUCK NO, so I’ll assume we can at least agree that PitR ain’t right.
What else does he have in store? A bunch of *messy* games throughout the house, including one played in the bath. The bath? Reminds me of the episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Arnold’s friend got molested by that guy from WKRP in Cincinatti. (Best Family Guy parody ever).
So PitR barged in with his catamite crew, initiated all kinds of unnatural hijinx, made a complete mess of the house and then buggered off. Let me ask you this then – why were the kids so terrified Mum and Dad would find out the PitR had been there? I’ll tell you why. Because the PitR convinced them it was ‘their special secret’. Either that or he’d kill the kids and/or their parents if anyone squealed. Same old story – starts with ‘Give yer Uncle Bully a kiss hey?‘, moves on to ‘Uncle Bully is going to be gentle with you… as gentle as a lamb‘, and ends with ‘It’s our secret, hey Gracie? You hear me, girl? Keep your mouth shut‘.
Don’t get me wrong – I love this book. Ted Geisel died when I was 17, and I wore a black armband to school that day. I just think it would be a hell of a lot better if people took on the real moral of the story. Parents should keep a close eye on their kids at all times, and certainly never leave them at home alone to go out on the piss. Kids shouldn’t open the door to strangers. If a stranger – or anyone for that matter – makes you feel uncomfortable you should get the fuck out, find an adult you trust and tell them. Unfortunately, the book ends with the tragic misconception that it’s all for the best if nobody finds out. Shame, that.